I have never been one to know or understand the reason behind having boundaries. Being an only child I have always had conversations with myself. Once I started school and began making friends, those same conversations and topics that I felt appropriate to go over in my head, transpired into verbal out loud conversations with others. If I consider you my friend and we can hold each other’s hair back after a night on the town, then I think that TMI should not even be part of our vocab. Granted I have ample friends who think some topics are taboo…I am just not this kind of gal pal.
Hence when my friend called me on Sunday to discuss her latest Brazilian wax adventure, I was up to the challenge of a good discussion! In midst conversation we both took a breath long enough to agree there are many things that should be shared amongst our female brethren that remain secured in a vault for fear of offending someone. For example, there are Brazilian wax do’s and don’ts that unless you are anal about TMI’s, should be shared.
Hair removal is a touchy subject in any woman’s book and as we get older there is more and more hair that must be removed from unimaginable places where hair should not be parlaying! Let us be real for a moment here, after all we are all friends eh? Hair removal has become ritualistic because of our need to impress our significant others or those we are courting at the moment. When I went to an all girls high school, we would just pull up our socks and call it a day. Women empathize with each other that on occasion you run out of time to shave in the morning or perhaps you plain ass just didn’t feel like it on that particular day- we manage to get over it and not judge each other based on hair and whether it’s there or not there!
Back to my friends harrowing hair removal story…
Now this was the first time she was getting ALL her hair DOWN THERE removed. I applaud it! Nothing is worse than sweaty summer cooch. Nothing! Therefore considering it’s the summer, KUDOS to those who want to air condition their va-jay-jays. I am sure she appreciates your efforts!
The time lapse from setting the appointment for this valiant event up until you get into the salon can seem long, but nothing…and I mean nothing… compares to how slow time passes while you are on that table, on your back, with a Russian lady spreading all kinds of hot wax on your vagina! It seems like hours go by with every cotton strip placed on the wax and ripped off your skin. No exaggeration. Let’s begin the step by step journey together for those of you thinking about going there for the first time.
When you get there you feel quite accomplished and bold and cannot wait to get it over with! It’s exciting to imagine the prospects of going back to those days before puberty! And the thought of being able to just throw on a bikini on a moment’s notice without having to go to Walgreens for razors and shaving cream???!!! WELL O-M-G you kick yourself for not having gone sooner!!!!
Finally you get into the room and are told to strip from the waste down. Nothing different from, say, your friendly neighborhood gyno. So you oblige but notice there is no little napkin to cover your whowho, but c’est la vi I guess. So you lay there, half birthday suit half clothed and Ms. Russia comes in (*insert a Slavic name) and she looks ready for action and ready to inflict pain on someone. I say Ms. Russia because most who do it and those who are the best are the women who understand how to really get rid of hair because they come from countries where women have lots of it. No pun intended and in no way being judgmental…it is just truth.
The process begins. At this juncture there is no escape so you grin, woman up and attempt to build some kind of rapport with this woman who will be all up in your shit for the next 45 minutes. Things start smooth and the first couple of times you think “well it’s not THAT bad”. That is until she starts putting her hands in places that feel taboo and also trying to throw a couple of questions your way to soften the blow. Everyone is different. I am all for the small talk and that’s mostly because I feel like I have to. I mean after all, she has her fingers everywhere and parting the red seas so you feel like you owe your new relationship with this woman as much as to make it a pleasurable experience for both parties through the lost art of 4 play small talk. “FUACATA!!!” another strip gets ripped off and you see STARS, maybe even shed a tear. You experience that eureka moment of truth and wonder “WTF” you were thinking when you made this appointment!!! Trust that you don’t want wax everyone and for god’s sake you don’t want hot wax on your clit so I suggest you stay still and let the professionals do their job. You’re still on your back at this point and perhaps even having a few cold sweats in the process.
Many curses in your head later, it’s time for the coup de gras…the back door end. One would think that this would be the most painful and in reality the embarrassing pose and fear that you may fart in Ms. Russians face are worse than the pain could ever be. Some places like to torture you and make you hold your leg over your head. A position only reserved for drunken antics in the bedroom. But there you are, sober as day, with your legs behind your head as if you were getting an adult diaper change. Other places enjoy making you lay on your stomach and either 1. kneel on all four’s like a dog or 2. remain laying on your stomach and hold your own butt cheeks apart. Neither of these positions are anything to write home about; however, are better than having them do what they do while you’re on your back. Considering the delicate tissue located in your frontal area and rear area, a service is provided that you need not be shocked and/or appalled once it happens. Prepare yourself for some air blowing into holes from Ms. Russian. At first you’re like WTF is that?! But best believe that you should appreciate this service rather than risk experiencing the alternative (hot wax in your holes).
Phew… it’s over. Finally you get to put your clothes on and go home and shower to forget this whole embarrassing experience. Nooooo sorry L You can’t leave until they put all kinds of lotions and babypowders on you in a provocative rubbing manner that makes you appreciate the fact that you blocked this whole part out of your baby years. After you are done with the lotions and powers you are bare, mushy and sticky. Time to put on your clothes and pay them $50 plus tip for your roller coaster ride of emotions which you may or may not need to explain to a psychologist one day. Congratulations on your survival and please come again in 3-4 weeks J
